we deserve so much more than "functioning"
healing shouldn't be about how comfortable we make others, it should be about how it feels to be ourselves
I simply do not like cognitive behavioral therapy.
look, I know it helps a lot of people, and that’s genuinely wonderful. whatever works for you, do that! but cbt has NEVER worked for me, and I think it’s tied to something much bigger in the world of therapy and mental health, which is that sometimes we equate “functioning” with “healthy.”
cbt is a behavioral therapy. it focuses on how you act, not how you feel. it often focuses on helping you function above all else.
and this is…not helpful, in my experience.
believe me, I’m aware that there’s a lot of value in being able to function, I absolutely know that. we live under fascist, capitalistic systems that literally don’t care if we live or die, and being able to function can be the difference between being fed and housed and safe, and…not.
and also, pretending that “surviving under capitalism” is the same as being actually healthy is absolutely ludicrous.
functioning is important, and if cbt or any other therapy style helps you function enough to be safe, then absolutely, go for it.
but if you’re functioning so well that you can barely stand it, if you feel completely disconnected from yourself because you can’t feel your feelings and function at the same time, if you’re so SICK of being sick and having everyone tell you that you should be grateful because of how you function…this is for you.
if you only focus on functioning, you’re gonna miss a lot of dissociation
there’s a myth in the mental health world that dissociative disorders are rare, or even that dissociation isn’t real.
and I gotta say, this feels pretty connected to therapy’s overemphasis on functioning as a sign of wellbeing.
because dissociation literally allows you to function despite horrific shit happening. that’s its whole job. it pries your sense of self away from the present moment where terrible things are happening and cordons off who you “really” are somewhere safe deep in the recesses of your mind.
so your body just goes through the motions of normalcy, while your brain splinters and fractures in the background.
no wonder so many mental health professionals don’t believe in dissociation. it would certainly make their job harder if they had to aim for something more nuanced than the clearly observable “functioning” or “not functioning.”
and here’s the thing: when you ignore dissociation in therapy, you’re ignoring a HUGE piece of the puzzle.
let’s take a look at two characters, largely based real times in my life:
Juliet is a college student. she attends 90% of her classes, gets all As, and while she doesn’t have tons of friends, she has a few people she’s very close to. she is applying to graduate schools, and has a long-term boyfriend.
Fiona is a mom in her 30s. she has three kids under the age of 10 and is married to her high school sweetheart. she runs her own business when the kids are in daycare, and has a few close friends she sees every few weeks.
both of these characters are “functioning” fairly well, right?
well, one of them is highly suicidal, in therapy at least once a week, sometimes more, and hates herself more than she can even articulate.
which one is it?
if your client dissociates, you’ll never know, because their functioning often looks exactly the same as, or even better than, a person who is actually well.
(p.s. it’s Juliet, btw)
healing should be about you, not about your ability to perform wellness
when healing becomes about others, it’s no longer healing, but just a sneaky way to get you to conform to capitalism and fascism of your own accord.
no, seriously.
think about it: you’re PAYING to go to therapy, where you can ostensibly air out your pain and get some solutions to actually help you feel better.
and instead, you get a checklist of things to do to make sure you’re acting the correct way.
sounds pretty fucking fascist to me.
and hey, this is NOT how all therapy goes, by the way. I’ve had so many great therapists over the years. it is 100% possible to do real healing work in therapy.
but if your therapist is overly (or maybe even singularly) focused on making sure you function well, I might start the hunt for the next therapist if it were me.
because your healing shouldn’t revolve around others’ perceptions of you as “productive” or “healthy” or “good.” your healing should (imo) revolve around how it feels to be you. and I know it’s not always going to be hunky dory, okay, but it should at least be HONEST, y’know?
and when we focus on functioning over everything else, honesty often goes straight out the window in favor of doing, thinking, feeling, and BEING what we think we’re “supposed” to.
so…what do we do instead?
we fucking express ourselves.
even when it’s messy. even when it gets in the way of our functioning. even when others don’t like it.
we get HONEST about how we’re really feeling, how we’re really doing, and we just…own that.
it’s so much easier said than done, I know.
but I’ve gotten REAL good at this over the past decade or two, so let me share with you my fave tips:
start journaling more. and don’t make it pretty. your journal should be completely nonsensical. just ramble. write literally anything that pops into your head. journaling shouldn’t be a place to curate yourself into a nice neat box, but rather, a place for you to be as messy as humanly possible.
have one scary conversation every week where you tell someone how you’re actually feeling, instead of pretending you’re totally, completely fine because, look! you’re functioning! this will retrain your brain to accept that people actually can be safe, and your true feelings are not a burden to be hidden.
finally, you need to have more crashouts. more mental breakdowns. more moments of total collapse. not because they feel good, but because your feelings deserve to be felt. some of us are simply hiding our emotions from others, but many of us are also hiding our emotions from OURSELVES. and crashing out is one of the fastest ways to get acquainted with our own emotions.
if you’re not super comfy with having a good ole fashioned mental breakdown, I’d love to help with my new 4-week intensive, the art of the crashout.
over the course of 4 short weeks, you’ll learn how to STOP forcing your emotions to be as small as possible, and instead let them be as big as possible (without becoming an explosive asshole, of course).
we start may 27, and you can join by clicking the button below: